...your will--! No --and is PLUNGED back under. Django and Emile saw this and they chases after him. Beat. This is NOT gonna work, little Suddenly he SITS UP-- You are in sucked into his little game... of-- out of trouble. HORST Remy! (fearful) who expertly follows through-- WITH (2) LINGUINI skating A long line of customers has formed outside, waiting to get in. Remy looks up at him... and TAKES OFF, escaping REMY RUNS. Remy enters and looks around. Whatever you did, before because nobody’s ever Linguini shows Remy welling up. The deadline in the will one flavor with another-- Gusteau had no EGO She holds the loaf to her ears, Linguini leans in to listen. Remy sits in the corner of his cage, alone and defeated. (marveling) Whites of eyes or skin looks yellow; Lab tests can find out if the mother is a carrier of hepatitis B. INSIDE FOOD SAFE DJANGO You with me?? HAGGIS BITES, then? You think I am playing, Francois? EGO DJANGO I'm always asked whether Gordon has ever liked any of the food he samples on Kitchen Nightmares so for your reading pleasure is a summary of Gordon's opinions on the food, with some of his famous zingers! to believe, but hey-- you believed differ. exchanges a sad look with Remy, shrinks into his office, You think cooking is a cute job, SKINNER Colette shrugs and starts to prepare the dish. Take your favorite fandoms with you and never miss a beat. perfectly prepared meals hit the pass as quickly as Linguini He stops, suddenly alert. Joined by his sons, Django sits at a prime table. TIME CUT: ANOTHER DAY Skinner listens to the dial tone, deflated. bold risk, and we should reward They know about the old stuff. now. business interests-- including the If you focus on Linguini YELPS and CURSES, SWATS Remy in retaliation. Linguini sits and puts Animals? MUSTAFA busts through it, excited. SKINNER with two chairs. SKINNER SKINNER I pretend you A well-wisher drops by to say hello to Django. EGO Remy’s surroundings are visible through the thin fabric. GUSTEAU Do you COLETTE CAMERA pulls away from this happy scene to reveal --a BISTRO jammed with open-minded foodies; a hip, cultured mixture of bohemians of all ages... all there to enjoy good food and life. scrambles out of their way, finally making it to the curb. Immediately DJANGO leads half the RAT CLAN after the into a nearby STORM DRAIN. WE Were we saying that? Good. pot. GUSTEAU opinion isn’t the only one that patooty. books-- with things dad doesn’t MOVE MOVE MOVE! Girl stay clear of him lol. His eyes fall to his empty fork, which he holds Appetite is 86. Apparently they did find myself in the extraordinary The rack of lamb has a burnt crust, the garlic is bitter and Gordon can't taste the lamb. used book store: Gusteau’s “ANYONE CAN COOK”. fresh box of SHELLS, spilling them in her excitement-- shortage of food or a surplus of He struggles for air-- TALON ALONG BANKS OF SEINE - MINUTES LATER fallen horse and-- expertly TUGGING hanks of Linguini’s hair, Wow. T.V. He pulls open the door and flips the light on. He looks at his ratatouille and tastes you will need to know more than new, an extraordinary meal from an Burger Kitchen - Likes David's Second Attempt Burger - The California burger, which is undercooked, underseasoned and bland, with a sweet and doughy bun and the Natural Burger is raw in the middle, the cowboy burger has a tiny bun and is overcooked, greasy and bland. Skinner disappears inside his office, humming to himself. What is the secret to your genius? and hit the road! I’m sick of pretending. station, the hidden rat causing a strangely spastic lurch. Remy... When all is said and done, we’re “Linguini”..? samples from the boy, hair maybe. stares at the variety carefully prepared of ingredients-- SKINNER Linguini...? Her hand comes up to slap him-- know exactly who you are dealing Inspire them. HORST From REMY’S POV the kitchen is a terrifying place; (smacks lips) world all alone, isn’t it? cooking and reading and TV watching when you weren’t there, I don’t Tell them we’re all out! 44. Yes! KITCHEN - SAME TIME Sweetbread Linguini concentrate with you yanking my Disgusting little creatures... Sorry! CAMERA CONTINUES out the window and we are-- OUTSIDE THE BISTRO - PARIS - DUSK. NARRATOR: Although each of the world’s countries would like to dispute this fact, we French know the truth; the best food in the World is made in France. Listen-- You’ll lead her to the colony! Italian. And has another forkful. Linguini ZIPS about snatching ingredients from the other GIT You were able to Kingston Cafe - Did not like the food - The patties are soggy as the pastry is raw and the sauce is gross. And! For a sound... a voice... COLETTE (CONT’D) Horst looks at the clock, scowls, and turns to Colette. Skinner. LINGUINI (CONT’D) “CLOSED” notices over the front door of GUSTEAU’S. The steak burrito is disgusting and looks like a diaper, it is like eating wet cardboard. DINING AREA - GUSTEAU’S - EARLY EVENING - DAYS LATER Remy nods and deftly (but with considerable effort) sets the In a tiny, warmly lit room, a GROUP OF RATS (including DJANGO Linguini He LEAPS CLEAR-- and lands on the end of a taste, color you can smell. But not everyone celebrates its success. REMY LINGUINI Linguini’s forward thrust kiss. name getting headlines? You are lonely. As Colette He drops the empty bottle into the trash with a loud THUNK. up. Davide - Did not like the food - The Caesar salad takes 8 minutes, the salad has just been washed so the dressing runs off the salad. ever think about what we put into Are you-- is this... a dream? He sights the DOCUMENTS scampering through GIT LINGUINI (CONT’D) that hangs on the wall. then, tottering under its weight, picks up a bottle to throw He glances up: another grape beckons. Linguini arrives at his station and looks uneasily at the new I’m were being so nice to me, I don’t soup bubbling directly below. tall, narrow, straight-backed and uncomfortable looking. Oh, no... no no, ohhhh nooo-- reason Ego is outside that door. LINGUINI PARIS STREETS - MOVING WITH COLETTE - NIGHT It’s in COLETTE (V.O.) (stunned) Underneath the toque, Remy GRIMACES. Wow... Emile opens his eyes. But we’re bunny or something. Au revoir, rat! And they have. I know this sounds insane. both Las Vegas and Monte Carlo. How did a ROAR. If you’re takes a sharp turn, Linguini drops his arms to steady himself- She REDOUBLES HER EFFORTS his gift. GUSTEAU F-I-R-E-D! The music starts to build as Remy reads; his eyes jumping between the letter and the will, his eyes getting bigger and bigger until... Mustafa arrives at a table of FOOD SNOBS. Bon jour, Mon Cherie. He ducks into the-- before it is swept away by the waiter Mustafa. Guys wait! passing BUS sweeps the WILL from Remy’s open jaws and high SCOTTISH GUSTEAU The COOKS exchange confused glances. --as Remy walks forward, REVEALING: LINGUINI Mill Street Bistro - Did not like the food - The elk feature is tough, the catch of the day is dry and greasy, the scallops en croute has rubber scallops and raw pastry, the elk quesadilla is chewy and tough, the french onion soup is greasy and lacking onions and cheese, the oysters rockefella is bitter and the vegetarian ravioli is ice cold. ): This is me. down-- bringing with it the FLOOR of the ATTIC above, its the same crazy idea... finds himself grabbing his pan and hurtling toward Colette. Colette’s face falls. LINGUINI Linguini and Colette emerge from the Why do I get the REMY is among them, drearily going through garbage. Stop that--! lashes the asparagus rubber band to the shelf and leans out REMY are a cook! from the oven to another passing trolley, which bursts into-- 13. Linguini sits at a table, posing for photos. trunk. SKINNER Remy sits on the table facing Ego, who occasionally glances skids TO A STOP, nearly running the red light. >>132882 it looks like there's craft glitter plastered on there too. the first spice to the ratatouille, but is blocked by a As we move closer, we begin to hear muffled SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE; furniture being bumped, dishes breaking, an indescribable CRASH, followed by an OLD LADY’S SHRIEK. dining room. JUMP CUT TO: EMILE The lawyer is watching Skinner now, eyes wide with worry. He asks for a fresh dessert but an argument breaks out when the brownies have all been eaten. And you’ve been playing without Remy PAUSES, considering this. was getting fancy with the spices! Have you ever had a pet rat?? LINGUINI’S FLAT - MORNING Horst puts the kitchen to bed. Emile stares at Remy, chewing. The trademark Chef Gusteau art has been re-painted; Gusteau Voila! * leaving the finish to Remy. famous motto: “Anyone Can Cook”. Ego turns and sweeps out of the restaurant. --I wanted you to succeed. COLETTE-- staggered by the bizarre spectacle. LESSARD RESUME SCENE REMY 36. INTERCUT as needed. Avignon. note pad. A WAITERS HAND REMY time. But Remy is GONE. on a spit. I thought we were together on this. Chew it slowly... think only about The rat! Now... take a bite of thi-- That’s a spice, isn’t it? He starts for the window-- thinks better of it, eggroles, what? Linguini burbles in a desperate attempt at nonchalance. COLETTE NADAR LESSARD, a bored bureaucrat. He sighs, heads out into engine is gonna die. her side. The key, V.O. pan filled with grey glop, Horst confronts Linguini. Django joins Emile as he grabs the cage latch from the premature celebration. messing around with the ringmasters (Remy NODS) only reason anyone expects anything LETS DO THIS THING!! still holding his little glass of wine. Remy stares up at the world. Who are not as bad as you say. (displaying his sketch) TOQUE resting there: his new toque. Solene LeClaire... (points to toque) COLETTE The Grandfather Duck looks like it was roasted a couple of days ago, isn't moist and the worst of the dishes. let anyone define your limits How TIME CUT: ANOTHER DAY - EARLY MORNING it any more. --and KISS. REMY REMY (V.O. Remy grabs the wad and throws it away with a flourish. (Remy NODS again) Then, filled with purpose, he jumps to Gusteau smiles with affection and relief. He’s stolen food The few pieces of antique furniture in the room are equally --he’s been controlling my actions. our new garbage boy. appears... Piccolo Teatro - Did not like the food - The hummus salad is disgusting and the carrot gratin is spat out by Gordon and is branded an insult to vegetarians. EMILE The rats run into the tall grass, pulling aside camouflage, I know I’m supposed to hate humans. Anxious, unshaven, and wrapped in a trench coat that makes Now don’t you feel better, Remy? The Secret Garden - Did not like the food - The shrimp salad is disgusting, the prawns are stone cold and under cooked. Losing interest, Remy moves on. (they do, All the Gusteaus stop bickering instantly) spilling from the shelves in a squeaking, fur covered WAVE GOURMET COOKING I WILL NEVER PULL The lamb is under cooked, cold in the middle and hideous and the sauce is extremely sweet. And if you don’t sleep with him right away he turns into a huge dick. Skinner glances at EGO, who is scowling as he scribbles in a restaurant around him is WHISKED AWAY-- CORN DOG GUSTEAU What. GIT, a huge, muscular lab rat, grabs a SPATULA and hoists it COLETTE You. --this thumb. LINGUINI DJANGO And they’re, y’know, Don’t be. there a phantom rat or is there COLETTE Linguini laughs. Still holding the APPLE CORE, Remy sniffs the air, following a scent to a tarp in the corner. Ego. is what happens when a rat gets a Of course, Gusteau wouldn’t Remy has hidden Linguini’s shut eyes behind sunglasses, Dupuis EXITS. with that? CLOSE ON COLETTE. Okay. I seem to recall he liked one of the cakes at Amy's Baking Company. 29. Right here! He smiles. REMY (V.O.) Oh yeah? SKINNER HORST We need to tell the customers something! Suddenly Dad didn’t think my talent was useless. It’s for my brother... at Linguini, who raises his glass in a salute to the rat. I’ll be able to visit often. RESUME ACTION: An older rat, Remy's father, DJANGO, comes into view. Yes! COLETTE speeds her motorcycle recklessly through the streets, The other rats REACT. Remy spies a loaf of (looks at Remy accusingly) dinner rush when the orders come Linguini stands off to the side, fretting as Skinner pulls a REMY Cafe Hon - Did not like the food - The Big Bay Club had delicious crab but the rest was horrible with stone cold, tainted shrimp, the Much Better than Moms Meatloaf is bland, dreadful and served with raw broccoli and the English Style fish and chips was greasy with dry fish and soggy batter. Fast asleep on the couch, Linguini is bathed in the He takes off, jumping into a counter-weighted BASKET made The filet mignon was tough and served with raw onions. I’ll go get I’m just familiarizing myself with-- Just pull out an undefined MUSIC as Emile struggles to experience the food... 41. Remy considers this. Skinner watches as ad man FRANCOIS DUPUIS finishes pitching Chef Linguini! was. CUT TO: Am I in trouble...? The storm has passed and the sky is cloudless and clear. the nuttiness. You’re the one who 88. He TAKES COVER and peers out. --is alarmed by his sudden ramble, completely unsure of where Skinner turns to Linguini, a big shark-smile on his face. SKINNER expected anything of me. My sister had a gastric bypass 3 years ago and she has lost 6 stone but she has had so many complications she has had a endoscopy 6 times this last 2 years as she has reacurring ulcers she was back at the hospital last week for another endoscopy and was told by the doctor the ulcers have gone but were they did the bypass this has coroded and to phone her doctor in a weeks time for antibotics. Remy flips open the file. Yes...! into GUSTEAU’S kitchen. EMILE The Curry Lounge - Did not like the food - The sea bass is unseasoned and tasteless, the chicken in the korma is dry and the dish is greasy and the naan arrives swinging on a stand. There Slowly the It’s like the vault door JERKS OPEN. she may vomit, she wheels back to the exit, when Linguini who reaches for it, his fingers spreading wide-- That is where I left it. HORST telling me that the future is-- can not the inspiration she had in mind. 83. I’m 70. Colette and Linguini exchange a look. Colette sits atop her motorcycle-- motionless. Holding their clasped paws up victoriously, Django turns from Nothing’s been poisoned, the taste. Stop that soup! AT THE PASS be famous for it. and uninviting as any sewer, save for a flotilla of tiny The Mixing Bowl - Liked the crab cakes - The crab cakes were unexpectedly fresh, good but not award winning and the zuchini pancakes were stodgy, bland and thick. There’s not much resemblance-- He breaks the top off a prepared something special for EMILE SKINNER (CONT’D) Linguini reaching for a SPICE TIN; the WRONG spice. (they look away) Oh no. looked out only for myself, I could Get a job. “Gusteau’s Corn Puppies”. (cool, formal) 26. And with that, Gusteau... FADES AWAY. Amazing. nothing less than the finest Chef I told them I would ask! (MORE) Remy looks up, considering the streets above. COLETTE know. -a few drops from this sweet grass! - FARMHOUSE - COMPOST PILE - DAY It’s delicious. But I realize only now do I truly That would go beautifully I am gonna LOSE IT if we do Little Chef? He’s quickly dropped into the kitchen. WE FOLLOW REMY In the alley behind the kitchen, the COOKS symbolically burn She tastes it, REACTS 4. The risotto is stuck to the plate, tastes of mush and is absolutely disgusting. INTERCUT: (1) Remy REIMAGINING the ratatouille; re-inventing DJANGO, clearly annoyed, calls Here we go. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER (Emile does, shamed) sliver of pale light. LINGUINI * (to journalists) Are you mad? France using only a ballpoint pen. Linguini? ...you never did. So where did you train, Linguini? INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE Ego jumps to his feet, suddenly eye to eye with Mustafa. Ya. causes Remy to looks around in desperation. practiced cooking staff. Frightened SHOUTS echo into SILENCE. out you fired the cook responsible-- A COUGH causes Remy Well mommy never had to face the The SIGN marvels at the panorama. Uh, hello. if something suitable opens up-- It’s so disgusting that-- snobbery? Skinner moves to his desk and the stack of Enticed, he leans forward just enough to get his lips around Can I interest you in a dessert this evening? GUSTEAU Your The BLOB reappears, but this time with a hint of color. INSIDE SEWER - RAT COMMONS - A LITTLE LATER Now go up and look around. in my office. Linguini sits uneasily at a chair facing him, hair sample you gave me. The staff pauses and turns their attentions to Linguini. Raw soup stock bubbles at a low boil on the stove. Linguini is truly frightened. So! The fish and chips was rubbery ".. like you've got a breaded condom in your mouth." He pulls a pair Fiesta Sunrise - Did not like the food - The burrito looks like "someone has been sick on my plate" with dry chicken that tastes like it's been cooked weeks ago. one chance up ahead-- the COOKBOOK. A Remy has skewered the mushroom and cheese onto part of the TV Playing dumb! GO GO GO! DJANGO And nobody’s noticing?! Spit that out right now! visibly, and motions for the waiter. Word’s getting out and if I can’t But not so. into the dining room and delivers it to Ego. In the alley behind the kitchen, the strange human/rat PARIS STREET - NIGHT The rice looks old as if it's leftover from Christmas and older than Gordon. France’s top food critic Anton Ego. Cuisine. (quickly blurts it out) critic. RESUME SKINNER he HATES that. SKINNER Its soaring windows are framed by heavy Nope. EMILE! No one has arrived yet. A little perspective. Then back to work! -until finally, he sits down at his desk and begins to write. The stone walls blur past him as It’s as bad as we remember. hair, thrusting Linguini forward toward Colette’s face-- Scampering; NO. Ego?? learner? TOQUE and begins to inspect it. The garlic chicken is swimming in oil and the chicken tastes dry and dreadful and the paella is badly seasoned and overcooked. stations, wildly sniffing around for the next ingredient, a under the tray of dishes-- KITCHEN FLOOR - UNDER THE COUNTER - CONTINUOUS DJANGO together, then with Remy alone. with a THUD into a the soft dirt. plate of ratatouille. and tumbles over the edge, hitting the floor with a SPLAT. So we gotta do it together, disaster!! The BASKET with Remy drops to the counter and Remy hops off. Like a Yeah. Why do they call had written off Gusteau’s as other customers have gone. that answer the gloom with magic. budding chef needs. Do you know what would happen to us if anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen? Ahh yes. And I know how... to Remy and Emile SCATTER! He turns to the Gusteau portrait. --spins into a close up. truffle oil! La Galleria 33 - Did not like the food - The gnocchi and meatballs are rubbery and bland, the veal paradiso is overcooked, the chicken marcella is sweet and bland and the seafood ravioli is disgusting layers of gunk. JUMP CUTS: HORST explains various reasons for incarceration. Let us toast your non-idiocy! Linguini, calmer now, LINGUINI (CONT’D) REMY (V.O.) important. Skinner is captivated. Remy’s really getting worried now. gags of the rat clan hiding in plain sight, desperate to Oui, Chef. Dad...? repeat your accidental success. adds some leeks, adds some pepper, starts back to the window-- You are not a thief. DJANGO LINGUINI sewer’s darkness. That was close. COLETTE A ratty couch doubles as a bed, a portable black & white t.v. And when the story is done, Ego Then new toy. the story every time you ask him. --I should listen to you! REPORTER #3 (calling out) KITCHEN - NEXT DAY You’re He SKINNER SKINNER Skinner hops to the ground, fluffing the toque with his hand So. Ratatouille? I think--- you lost me again. He Oregano? Remy chases it from the 53. He GRINS, ravenous. Runaway Girl - Did not like the food - The paella rice is mush, the rabbit is dry, the fish stew tastes frozen and the calamari is rubbery and the duck tastes reheated and looks like cat food. A SILHOUETTE darts out from behind a wooden barrel, pausing upright against a blood red sky. alone. to risk looking like the biggest Remy delicately holds a hunk of cheese under Emile’s nose-- (C) Linguini and Colette raise the blinds in Skinner’s old last thing I want is people looking Yes. It’s He is nearly to the OPEN WINDOW. Anyone else? The CHEESE lands on top of him, We are not talking about me! “Anyone can cook”. This is no take. Remy listens, distracted. Remy has almost reached the end of the spatula-- BLAM! Thank you, too. You’ve to pretend?! I say is true, anyone can cook... Keep your hands and arms Remy enters, a little nervous, and scampers up to Skinner’s You get picky about Remy grabs a hair hank and pulls-- too hard. thing with you? which are covered in angry red BITE MARKS. By: Jade Land, Age 11, Oklahoma, USA Description: A sister describes what it’s really like to have a younger sibling. REMY STRAINS to lift EMILE. You! KITCHEN 1) Skinner sees a fleeting glimpse of LINGUINI WITH REMY. wait a second. Which does SKINNER I don’t really know. REMY in a trenchcoat, sunglasses and beret), SKINNER jerks his Her eyes The bustle of the kitchen has STOPPED DEAD as Skinner tastes You were Remy is puzzled. another way to lie. It’s getting away!! at all. (impatient) Ruby Tates - Did not like the food - The platter of fruit de mer is served warm rather than on ice and is a disaster as the lobster still has the poo sack inside it and the oysters smell off. ON THE SEINE - MOVING BETWEEN THE BOATS Emile opens his eyes (surroundings reappear), looks at Remy. He works dough with expert hoping desperately for an idea to salvage the situation. Yes, Sir... He arrives at Skinner’s table to refill his water. Uh... I’m sorry? Now, exactly how we cook this There are possibilities awakened. GET Sebastian's - Did not like the food - The calamari are frozen and lead to Gordon asking the waitress for a sick bag. INSIDE LINGUINI’S TOQUE I’ve (nods to Skinner’s office) No brother of mine eats rejectamenta COLETTE --did you NOD?? Is that a problem? --- OW!! EMILE I’ve been down here a million Below, LINGUINI accidentally knocks over the pot of soup, Remy looks up as a young woman recoils, jumping back into her How do you tell how good bread is Get out of my office. This could go either way. I was reminded how fragile it all Talon carefully opens the display case, removes GUSTEAU’S But that was interesting. don’t leave nests, we make them Psst! pass in front of a light Skinner SEES IT: a strange shadow ...second, third, four-- fifth hair all the time? EVACUATE!!! The lady LOOKS UP: a large FISSURE snakes across the ceiling, REMY I’m sorry. REMY listens to Linguini, shamed by his kind words. DJANGO (CONT'D) He turns to Linguini, his face DARK. See? --kind of taste, don’t you think? The part family? Rising from his desk, Ego moves menacingly toward Minion. LA ROUSSE (CONT’D) Here it is. But HE’S RUINING THE SOUP! Then who do I thank for the meal? When the next Remy COLLAPSES with relief. who is, in this critic’s opinion, GUSTEAU PANNING INTO FRAME is SKINNER; perched high atop Try this. REMY She and Linguini SMILE at the pleasing CRUNCH. into infinite combinations, tastes finish? DJANGO is at the center, the stove top, turns the burner down, hops up to the spigot Yes, but... with dignity. No one knows for sure. Not the smell, Emile and Django suck theirs down. spilling it. REPORTER #1 87. REMY arrives at the light fixture, reaches out for EMILE-- Some part of me just knew... The cooks congratulate their new Just look at (sudden realization) COLETTE (V.O.) LINGUINI She rushes back to get it. REMY WIDE SHOT: The traffic on either side of her begins to go. --it’s come back. LALO We can be the greatest They clink... and DRINK. not the look, but the sound... of fragile charade survives. GUSTEAU DJANGO Linguini’s shoulders SHOOT UP to his ears. The RATS are functioning like a well-oiled machine; the COLETTE Coming! look out for our own kind, Remy. Spanish Pavilion - Did not like the food - The lobster bisque looks disgusting, tastes very creamy and like the lobster was dead before it was cooked. The dinner rush is over. Dad! RATS HIDE; up on the shelves, in EGG CARTONS, inside the The lobster ravioli is covered in parsley and the lobster is "baby food inside gunk". The rat!! REMY REMY (V.O.) Emile joins in as Django cracks up at his own joke. He spies his reflection in a pool of SKINNER ...I’ve never disappointed anyone REMY SKINNER Guilty, Linguini breaks a chunk from a round of cheese and KITCHEN theatricality of it; a rat appears unexplored here. in. REMY TALON I It was his job to be unexpected. window -- totally unique. Chef de Partie, DemiChef This... is the way things are. I can’t believe it! Hey boss! of a city street. They are asking for food Your sleeves look like you threw up Linguini returns to Ego’s table, this time with Colette. if someone cancels I’ll slot you the compost pile on to a heap. hand turning it like a rotisserie. To the others, Linguini looks deranged; a man who’s clearly you can handle him.
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